Reflection.

Well I am a super strange mix of emotions right now, I have exactly 12 days until my c section, unless my baby decides to come earlier, but either way in 12 days I will have another baby, i'm feeling extremely uncomfortable 12 days feels so long, but I know in the grand scheme, 12 days is like a second, before I know it I will back into the swing of recovery, managing my time between children, sleepless nights, breastfeeding and all the changes the post partum period brings. To be honest I am welcoming some of it because I am so tired of pregnancy but other points make me super nervous. I am scared to have my third c section, I know what to expect and in some ways it makes it better and in others it makes it way worse, I am dreading when they take the catheter out, the first time I sit up and walk, hopefully no throwing up after this c section from the meds, the spinal, and the horrible pressure when they tug the baby out. at the same time, I love my doctor, like I actually love her as a person, I know she will be careful and do the best job possible on me, and even after all the tugging and pressure, hearing my babies cry will bring immediate peace, I know I got through it last time and I will again. I know my husband will be right beside me every step of the way and that I will get through it, and everytime is different, I might feel totally fine, and I am going to try super hard going into it expecting the absolute best and positive results.  I have accepted a while ago, during my pregnancy with Autumn that its OK that I've HAD to have C sections, I doesn't mean I am any less of a mother, I have endured pregnancy, complications, a sick tiny baby, hardships and surgeries, and no I am not "too posh to push", in fact I would push for as long as possible if it meant I could avoid surgery, I consider my self a "natural" person and will always choose the most natural option, but when faced with whats the "safest" for you and your baby, after 9 months of pregnancy I am not going to let anything stand in my way with my child's safety. So I hope I don't get any more judgement for having a elective c section,  after you have had 2 its almost near impossible to get a VBAC and even if I did find a doctor who would do it, I still run the risk of labor not progressing, ending up with a c section or heaven forbidden, uterine rupture, so i feel at peace with my choice, and I am so grateful for the friends and family I have who support me and have given me strength through my pregnancy. 

Also a little side note that I have been wanting to write, almost to my self, hopefully it does not come off in a ego filled boast filled way, because I am not like that. But I really want to say how proud I am of my self. I have made it through this pregnancy and to term without a cerlcage or any complications or interventions. This is such a big deal to me, my pregnancy experience with Autumn was so scary and painful with that cerclage and I am so glad i made the right choice by opting out of it this time. I am sure many people, even my doctor were puzzled by my choice not to get it, because of course I ran the higher risk of another preemie, but the minute I got pregnant I knew I would make it through this pregnancy without needing it, in fact I didn't need it with Autumn, I do not have an "incompetent cervix" and I am so happy my cervix can get a break from such a horrible demeaning name, there is nothing incompetent about my body and Lincolns birth will remain a mystery, it was premature labor, not cervical problems, and I will probably never while i'm on this earth find out the reason why he came so early, either way I am glad I can let go of the guilt I've suffered from for the past 6 years of his life and know it's not my fault, nor his or anyone's, it was just part of our path and I am so glad I have him here. Each pregnancy since Lincoln has been like a big step in my "healing", I never realized how traumatized I've been and all the issues I have carried since having him, I am so glad I am moving forward each day into the best mother I can be for him, and my other children :).  I am so grateful to be able to have kids, and I am grateful this pregnancy is almost over!! 

 

How far along? almost 36 weeks 
Total weight gain/loss: 23-25 pounds? I am not sure to be honest because I am thinking I am getting a decent amount of water weight which seems to be fluctuating. 

Maternity clothes? yep
Stretch marks? No new ones....(please stay this way!!) but my old ones are looking a little red :( probably just so stretched out. 

Movement: good average movement, quiet times, and busy times. 
Food cravings: not really, there is no more room in my stomach lol
Anything making you queasy or sick: heartburn all the time, just acid constantly I hate it. 

 Labor Signs:  my doctor said baby is engaged, and I am having a million braxton hicks, but I am not holding my breath that means labor is coming. 

Belly Button in or out? out 
Wedding rings on or off? On 
Happy or Moody most of the time: emotional....... that's all I'll say. 
Milestones: 12 days till my baby. Everythings ready at home, got my mamaroo which I am excited to try out, car seat, clothes, bassinet set up in my room, were all ready :) 

 

Here is my collection of pregnancy photos, I'll post my instagram ones in order and my personal ones I've taken with my camera. 

 I think 16 weeks 

I think 16 weeks 

 20 weeks (back when I thought I had a bump....man was I delusional.) 

20 weeks (back when I thought I had a bump....man was I delusional.) 

 24 weeks 

24 weeks 

 25 weeks 

25 weeks 

 26 weeks 

26 weeks 

 27 weeks 

27 weeks 

 28 weeks, third trimester when this baby popped quite a bit and is now massive. 

28 weeks, third trimester when this baby popped quite a bit and is now massive. 

 32 weeks 

32 weeks 

 33 weeks 

33 weeks 

 34 weeks 

34 weeks 

now for my own photos taken with our camera...I was silly and didn't  document how many weeks I was at each picture so they are not in order like my instagram ones, I am still glad I have them for the memories. Another crazy thought, its so weird being pregnant through three seasons, that's what makes pregnancy feel long, I remember being soooo excited back in June, going all summer with tight lips not telling anyone, then fall pregnancy, winter and now it's almost spring! I am excited to have a baby in spring time though :) 

 11 weeks 

11 weeks 

 not sure how many weeks here, first trimester still 

not sure how many weeks here, first trimester still 

 yay! when we found out our last babe will be a boy! I am so excited to experience a little baby boy again, and I was mostly glad I actually guessed right!! 

yay! when we found out our last babe will be a boy! I am so excited to experience a little baby boy again, and I was mostly glad I actually guessed right!! 

 28 weeks 

28 weeks 

 woa mama. I will remember to snap a pic this week and of course we will be taking lots in the hospital :) 

woa mama. I will remember to snap a pic this week and of course we will be taking lots in the hospital :)